pichakawan

When I was a kid... my dad used to bring me along during his fishing trips (panayrinyan, panuhuan, pilawngan, etc.). Of course at that time... there's still no yahoo weather or the likes. It was a mystery to my curious mind why did he know the perfect weather in an island like ours. Batanes is as always sitting on an angry storm. I used to watch him stare at the empty clouds every morning before we go out in the sea. Then he would say "tu mavid kawan charaw. may ta mayavavang." So we then prepare our fishing gears (bedberen, akna, palikpik, buya, mavaw a dukay, inchuhus, pana, sakdit, sahakeb, tutuyan, etc.) and headed for the calm horizon. We never had a good catch as long as I remember but the memories linger in my head as good old days. As I grew older... dad tried to show me how to read clouds... He said "tumangay ka as kachideb mud pangwanan salawsaw...." then started drawing and naming the directions. He also told me the good fishing weather and the others. I was eager to learn then (yeah... I once dreamed of being a good fisherman) but once technology hit me, I become net dependent.... I didn't have to look at the sky or memorize wind direction.... yahoo can give me even chances of rain and wind speed. It was recently when I realize that my actions may lead to extinction of the good old kapchakawan days. I tried to review but due to lack of reference here in far far away land... I was not able to name/label all the wind directions correctly. Red are the primary. Blue are the secondary. The greens are the ones i forgotten and probably miss-labelled. there are also other directions I completely forgotten. If any Ivatan (or non-ivatan) who can help me with this.... it would be greatly appreciated

malatyat nu viay ku

mindichayakay aku du avak nu masari a malatyat. angu paru panghavas ayan hanebneb nu amyan an manam du kawsup ku du mata ku am nu mareklas mu muyin kan manguhat mu tachay u ichinakuhan ku. Angu chabu mud katangked ku? Angu asbangan mu jaken du malatyat nu viay ku? Ara ka paru masuyut kan manguhat du vayu a pinidi mu? Ichavakel muava yaken ta machihrayay du kadada nu araw am vayaten ku vayu ku viay a masuyut takan kamahep am imu u nguhat ku.

numb

today, i stopped crying. for I have cease to breath the air around me. the pain that I'm feeling can no longer be described. It's just there... or should I say, I'm just there somewhere in the dark cloud of misery that covered me. I may be gone and numb but I'll wait for the tears to flow again and give me reason to live all over again.

the price of being me

there are dark nights of my life that i want to drown in pain. I feel hopeless with no direction. Felt that big empty space ahead of me. I wish I have the reason to live, reason to breath and reason to exist. My tears are all dried out. I can't let them go, I know theirs no one to catch them. I'll be miserable and half dead. Why do I always ask what did I live for if i have no reason to. Forget being fair, never mind my worth 'cuz maybe I should have not been conceived if the only thing that's telling me I'm alive is the pain I'm enduring endlessly.

reason

take my heart, take my soul, take it with you. I don't have the reason to keep it anymore. God.... I hate having what I feel.... I wish I was stronger to kill this emotion rather than the other way around. It would be a sweet death if I stop breathing today.

just not good

One day…. I won’t bleed anymore… I won’t shed a tear… ill smile tenderly when you start to stab that knife in my heart repeatedly. I’ll be gone with peace knowing that you’ve kept your promise of being there till the end. I’ll take my walk thankfully that once… I loved you.

not too-happy halloween

as i silently endure pain... i love to listen to noise... or should i say loud music. i like to drown myself into my raw emotions. if only i can shut myself to the world.. all i need is air and my ipod. Ive been fighting hard against myself lately. i pretended I'm strong, put up a show and tell the world I'm OK. tried many resources to deny the possibility of facing that agonizing experience i had before. I run, I pretended, I said I'm OK. and most of all I was numb for too long enough for me to remember... Well, the hardest part for me after this endless numbness stage is facing the reality and going back to what happened. my shadow had been hunting me... asking me to take a better look at her. but i ask, why do I have to got back? why do I have to face the consequences alone when i was suppose to be the one moving on. why? so many questions to ask... I dunno. I have no idea if ill ever find the answer. the only thing I'm sure is... time my past by and everything may come and go but the pain will forever be there... silently waiting for me to come back and resurrect it.

return of the comebak

its been almost half a year since i last had a time to update this blog. well sorry to say but i cant narrate all that happened in details. I've already move into a new apartment with my cousins. had been home last June to attend batanes day. also been in Baguio with my friends and also started collecting newmoon stuff. pretty excited for the latter. I'll be in the cinema to watch the first glimpse two weeks from now.

abnormal

right at the moment... i no longer feel alive.. i know its been weired to talk about death for my first 3 blogs this year but i realize a lot as time goes on... as a kid i got sick and tiered of being plain and nothing but a wallpaper on the crowd... I'm nobody... nothing and i almost don't exist... i don't want to be like that again... i always think of what i might have been if Ive been in different environment or atmosphere... aaarrgggghhhh.... i feel numb... i want to express my anger, my pain, my confusion, my failure, and everything but i guess i have to endure and deal with it myself.

nescafe - batanes

I've been struck by this tv ad since the first day i saw it. ofcourse thats because im a true full blooded ivatan. i never imagine that there will come a day when i can watch my fellow ivatan doing a commercial on national television.

there had been the time when i remember watching "hihintayin kita sa langit" which was the first movie i remember being shoot there... and lately as the century turns quickly and inovation and technology crawls up... there had been the movie "batanes" and the tv ad of dawn zulueta for "PH care". the only difference this time is we got to hear our language used in the entire ad. that made me proud to be one.

Felt like going home... "isang libo't isa man bagyo ang dumating... di ka matutumba... malalim ang kapit mo dito"

sabi nga... bumalik sa pinanggalingan...

huhuhu!... ku makey a mamatan...

farewell party

When the last breath of life is gone from my bodyAnd my lips are as cold as the seaWhen my friends gather around for my farewell partyThere will be flowers from those who cry when I'm goneDon't be mad at me for wanting to keep you till my life on this old world is throughYou'll be free at the end of my farewell party but I'll go away loving you

feelings and questions

i know days will come and go, maybe i'll grow old, but i will die for now. is it worth to be sad if it's harder to be glad to be alive? the trouble i have caused, i wonder where i belong, is it here?... as i look around this room, seeing worried eyes that know, its time that we cannot buy. was this worth the time to write?

in the memory of Lyra Faeldon

have you ever think about how you will look like on your final day?

its weired but i had ask that my self.. well, of course i dunno, thats why when i stumble on my moms "barong", my instinct tells me right there and then to put in on and try... well, twas a diff. me... atlast... i got a glimps on my final look.

people told me I'm crazy, but am I wrong on being curious? atleast ill go on in this world having an idea on how ill rot in my coffin. well, death is a must for everybody so, why fear for it.. ?

I was amaze by how others react with my pic. some scream, some fear, some worry, some look me like im already rotting... most of all, some cant believe im still breathing....

one thing is for sure... I'm contented that i know im cute on my final rest....

bwahahahahah!

city of stars

Amusement part had been an almost impossible dream for me. I remembered planning this trip for the entire year and got postponed for several times. Yeah, I did got frustrated and bag it all up at the back of my mind. Just when I was about to put it on my failure list, I decided to give it one more last try. Well I’m surprised it materialized.

I thought I will be going alone, but I was lucky enough to pull out my friend Karey form her other plans for the weekend. We decided to push it through. We were like two lost kitties not knowing where star city is located and the only information given us was from another friend who visited a few weeks ago.

All right, we took off early, too excited to do the child-like experience. We rode a taxi not to show everyone that we can afford but we simply do not know the location only to get disappointed that we were 2 hours early. Gosh! It was such a hassle to not know what to do.

We then decided to go back to MOA and kill-time. We float. Just hang around walking and grab few to eat.

Finally, the time passed by and we were able to go back to our main plan. Damn! The ticket line was exploding with crowded people. Good-thing we bump into another friend who settle the ticket for us.

Karey and I first give it a run to the shopping. It’s a weird thing to do first after our long plan trip. Then the rides…. I can’t describe how nerve wrecking it was. I almost lost my internal organs with fear and ear-breaking screams.

My leg couldn’t almost carry me home when its time to go. Anyhow, I got my answer to my curiosity and an experience of a lifetime! It was worth the risk.

Mahatao NHS - Batch '01

I've never been the class favorite and I admit I'm guilty for the past few years that I've ignored my lifetime friends. But after a while, I made up my mind and started to look back to what made of who I am today and decided to pay them what I owe.

It was a really nice, no... not just nice but overwhelming experience to be with them again. We exchange stories and giggled like kids again. I really like what I felt at that moment and wanting more to be back again. I already missed a lot and this time, I'm not going to let another pass me again.

It's only a portion of my high school batch that I met but I’m truly looking forward for the rest to surface in my peripheral once more.

I miss you guys... I miss all of you. The good and bad times we shared together at that sea-side school up in the north will always be one of the best memories stored up in my system until I go obsolete.

Until the next horse kick, and the angel flies. Lets drink to that!... hehehe!

then the color matched

ok. I've always been intriuge about how those little colored cubes ever colided and match up to form a solid color. it has always been a rainbow to me. Ive spent my entire life geting pist about the knowledge of never being able to solve the magic rubiks.

they said its the nerds game. hell-yeah! i believed that until two weeks ago when i finally pin the puzzle down. i jumped with joy that moment. i am not a nerd nor a geek but i got it right.

now im hook with the little cubey game. an adik for short but im proud to being able to solve its mistery.

twilight of my life

Twilight is a story about a vampire (Edward) and a 16 year old human (Bella).
i first heard about this great book one morning when i was listening to my favorite (or should i say the-only) radio show i listen the "goodtimes with mo" at magic 89.9. it made a bit of a big impact that i made me curious to check it out and download it to their fan-made site.

the intensity it had made in my life was way out of control. I was never taken away by a book like that. it made me impotent and paralyzed from reality for almost 4 days. I was hooked as soon as i read the first page. i couldn’t stop. I didn’t pay attention on anything beside the book. i locked myself up in my room for 2 days without even wanting to go out or even taking the book with me when I take a pee. I eat with eat and didn’t sleep 4 more than 2 hrs in 2days. i was a slave for this creation. I was even surprise for what it did to me since i am not a fan of fictional or horror movies. never did i imagine myself falling in love with a vampire character either. but turned out that there are a lot of things this book let me did.

The first book "twilight" was like the ignition of the fire, you will end up craving for more. the second "new moon" made me cried on the first few chapters and almost stopped me from wanting to read more. but towards the end.. it was ok. Third book "eclipse" was fine and towards the end, it excites me. but the last book "breaking dawn" hit me the hardest. i didn’t took my eyes away from it since start. I cried so many times and giggled while everyone was asleep at 3am. it was so overwhelming that it almost took all my energy.

well after reading, it still had its after shock. i talked of nothing but the book to my friends. It also took a lot of time to get back to reality. i even influenced Karey, ate Brenda, and tin-tin to be just like me "a crazy twilight adik". I cannot write a word that explains how great the book was but all i can say is it was worth sacrificing for. it will change your view of the bloodsucking, prostitute, monster and evil vampire. there is no violence in the book (and i adore the author Stephenie Meyer for her work) and it was properly edited.

as of now.. I’m trying to pull the months faster to November because i can’t wait to watch for its movie on the big screen. Me and my friends are already planning to watch out for it and cant even wait for long... I hope to see you there too...

so to all who are curious and adiks... start typing "twilight" on your search browser and get ready to visit the world of immortals.

is that you?

i have this question to ask. and its been bothering me for days. i just woke up from a big realization or should i say, reality.
ok. lets start, as everybody knows.. i love someone I cannot even be with. we had been together for the first 3 years then i left. the communication goes on and everything.. we had our ups and down like the usual stuff and always end up on patching the problem up. there are days when i ask my self why is this happening. is it me that keeps on holding?.. well, my frequency in going back to see him is only once a year. and its been 10 years now... it took that long before i ask this strange question. do i really love him to hold unto him for this long or is it just my ego that’s speaking so that everyone will be amazed when i say that i have a long time relationship and im doing good in keeping it?.. or is it true love that i can endure this long because his my destiny or is it just me being afraid to let go?

I have so many questions in mind that i myself cannot answer so please do help. i wonder if the reason is that until now, i cannot let go of my past and im living in time capsule. i worried about everything. I think this is the reality i have to face now. I was left behind.. there are things i expect from him that he doesn’t do. I really hate my self for this, am i right about this point?.. I am not dumb about not knowing that people do change as time goes by but my realization about him being the man i use to know cease in no point of view. i see him as i boy i met 10 years back no more no less. well if you agree with me as a result of my seeing him once a year, then im really having a lot of trouble to think about this situation.. I also worry about things that I should not wimp about. If I were you?.. would you keep it that long?.. I also ask, why is He holding on? is it true (gosh, now Im doubting) or he has the same scenario as me not yet awake of the truth...

gosh... i really need i clear thinking about this.. I am in no right mind to think about my self but i have no one to ask that’s why i ask you... please comment.. thanks!

minsan sa tahimik na buhay ni lyra

basta... i feel sick.. i feel bad... i dont want to go home.. gusto ko magbabad sa trabaho until mawalan ako ng pakiramdam. ayoko umuwi at mag isa nnman.. ayoko mag isip kung pano mo ko ginago. ayoko! Ayoko!! AYOKO!!!!.... sayang anf time ko para isipin ka... gosh.. gusto ko naging manhid... bwsit!... inis ako.. grabeh... im so ENGOT... panu mo ko nagagawang tanga?... i know what you're doing pro i choose to be blind on my own way.... AGGGGHHHHHH!!... so pakshet!!... panu?... panu nga? panu kita tatanggalin sa gunita ko... ayo na kita,,, sawa na ko sa kaka intindi ko sau.. tao din ako.. i have my own life.. i want to live my own.. d nalang palaging nag aadjust para sau. tangna nmn... ang sama talaga ng pakiramdam ko... i want to let it out.. sabi mo di tau bagay kasi masyado matayog ang gusto ko marating at di ka nakaka catch-up... what do you think im doing... sa palagay mo i like to be this...? miles away? gago ka pla eh... the only reason why im here is because i am thinking ahead of what will be the best for us.. para maging reality itong seemingly imposible gap na kaylangan natin i conect... AARRRRGGGHHHHH!!!!.... gosh,,,,,, i really need to let my anger go... what do you think guys?... how can i move on?... ive been a slave for 11 damn years.... i am in a relationship for that long that i dont know kung tama pa ba na i keep ko ito or not or either if im doing the right thing or not. d ko lam kung anu na ko.. i dont even know my self.. sa sobrang concentration ko to be devoted and program my damn life for him.. nasiraan na ata ko... di ko na alam kung panu ang life without him kasi he was my first and last. damn!.. im so coward to face reality... alam ko gago ako... i know im taken way forgranted at agrabyado na talaga ako but i just cant seem to face the world without him.. i know what you think,,, that i know i should be strong and leave.. but how?..cge nga?... i was born to be stupid when it comes to this love?.. but who's not? we all are. i just want to know if what Im feeling is still move or not... ok... to give you the simple situation... i am commited as i said before.. im with a relationship from the longest period of time... 11 eleven years... just imagine?... cge nga... oo gago ako... when we were younger,.,, he had GF's other than me.. naging kabit sila... I was still the orig... at least that was what i believed in. we were only together for 3 years.. then i left batanes... i was so young and so much in-love.... i have to admit im a perfectionist when it comes to personal issue.. i wanted everything to be ok... sa sobrang praning ko... di ako nagkaroon ng pag kakataon to entertain other suitors since we parted untill now.. grabeh... pwede na ata ko barilin sa ulo dahil sa sobrang loyal.. he continued having flings... at sabi nya.. he didnt courted nmn daw them.. and they are only friends?... duh?... friends mo face mo?... meron ba friend na ng ttxt in the middle of the night ng i miss you?.... AGGGGHHHHH!!!.... i hate you!... then, the other reason which he told me is because i only come home once a year at matagal na yung 1 week. yun ang mabigat na offense wich im guilty of.. yes... im away...but my heart always stay.... bwisit!... panu ko ba tangalin sa kokote ko ang ulul na yun?... mag bubulag bulagan nanaman ba ako untill forever?... ok ka lang?.. if your a girl?... ok lang ba sau na me ibang kinalolokohan ang BF mo for that simple reason na di naman daw kami nag kikita at nagkakasama while you are all out head-over-heals devoted and loyal to your BASTARD partner?... cge nga?.. i calculate mo nga ang solution sa napaka complicated kong suliranin?... hayzzz..... ang gulo talaga ng life...

hayzzz... basta ayoko pa umuwi at mag isip.. ayoko mapag isa.. mag iisip lang ako... goshh,,,, napaka tanga... buti pa ang iba me mga friends na nakakalabasan ng sama ng loob.. unluckily.. he was my all... so pag ganitong problemado ako.. i could hardly let it out.. its a poison stuck in me forever.. DAMNNNNN!!!!!!!!!! HHHEEEEEELLLLLPPPPP!!!! kaylangan kong bumalik sa katinuan... pa rehab kaya ako....
question is,,, am i willing to feel this pain forever?... EWAN!

Gratitude - Hindi po ito graduation speech…

You read it right. This is not a graduation speech nor my last will. Hehehe!

I just celebrated my 24th birthday and I felt like I have an obligation to thank everyone. Although nothing happened extra-ordinary, I still insist on talking here. Im so sorry if it has to be done this way for most of the people I love are not around to tap their back at this moment.

Gosh…. I’ve been spending to much time on how to thank you guys... but after five tries… I ended with this. It seems I have difficulties in saying thank you personally but I know I have to do it either way.

My family is my life. They will always be in my heart until my last birthday.

To my cousin Tin who treats me like her personal clown, pare mahal ang bayad sa ospital ngaun, baka maloka ka.
To JM & Rodel – ayusin nyo lyf nyo ha. Pakabait lagi.

To my officemates – thank you for understanding me and being my friend through hard and good times.
Ms. Mavic – salamat sa isa na namang taon ng pagtitimpi sa mga kapalpakan ko.
Prens – although we didn’t spent longer time to know each other, I feel like you’re already here in my heart for so long. Naks! (kinopya ko lang yung english na yun) hehehe.
Karey, Ms. Jong, Ate Brenda, Ate Rocky, Ms. Vangie, Rose, Chery, Dada, Ate Nancy, Jera, Jay, Sheryl, IO, Jhona at sa lahat nang makukulit at me topak na kasama ko sa trabaho, salamat sa pag impluwensya nyo sakin para maging mas makulit at mabait na bata.

To my batch mates here kc, jan, joi, den, harvey, girlie and the others, sorry kung naglaho ako. Next time nalang ako taya pag mayaman na ko. Hehehe!

My friends back home – I miss you all and thanks for remembering me.
Olive – no one can replace you to be my bestfriend forever.
Sa batch 01 – tama na inom. Ayusin na natin an gating life. mukhang kaylangan na natin umamin na matatanda na tau.

And to all the people whom I shared my life with, I’m glad our paths cross. People may come and go. Some stay and some move on but I treasure every minute of it without any regret.

I’m thankful for the 24 years that God gave me. For the trials I had encountered. I realize that I wont be this strong without them. If ask for my wish, I wont desire for anything else but the joy and happiness of my love ones. You are my life and I am you. They say love is not selfish and so am I. I love you more than my own.

Hayz…. Nakz… nawindang ako sa haba ng drama at kaseryosohan nito. Its so not me. Gosh..... kalurki,..kulot na tuloy bangs ko.. pwede naman sabihin in one word eh, SALAMAT!.
Tuloy ang ligaya. Salamat nlng at buhay pa ko para mag hasik ng kabaliwan. Bwahaha!