pichakawan

When I was a kid... my dad used to bring me along during his fishing trips (panayrinyan, panuhuan, pilawngan, etc.). Of course at that time... there's still no yahoo weather or the likes. It was a mystery to my curious mind why did he know the perfect weather in an island like ours. Batanes is as always sitting on an angry storm. I used to watch him stare at the empty clouds every morning before we go out in the sea. Then he would say "tu mavid kawan charaw. may ta mayavavang." So we then prepare our fishing gears (bedberen, akna, palikpik, buya, mavaw a dukay, inchuhus, pana, sakdit, sahakeb, tutuyan, etc.) and headed for the calm horizon. We never had a good catch as long as I remember but the memories linger in my head as good old days. As I grew older... dad tried to show me how to read clouds... He said "tumangay ka as kachideb mud pangwanan salawsaw...." then started drawing and naming the directions. He also told me the good fishing weather and the others. I was eager to learn then (yeah... I once dreamed of being a good fisherman) but once technology hit me, I become net dependent.... I didn't have to look at the sky or memorize wind direction.... yahoo can give me even chances of rain and wind speed. It was recently when I realize that my actions may lead to extinction of the good old kapchakawan days. I tried to review but due to lack of reference here in far far away land... I was not able to name/label all the wind directions correctly. Red are the primary. Blue are the secondary. The greens are the ones i forgotten and probably miss-labelled. there are also other directions I completely forgotten. If any Ivatan (or non-ivatan) who can help me with this.... it would be greatly appreciated

malatyat nu viay ku

mindichayakay aku du avak nu masari a malatyat. angu paru panghavas ayan hanebneb nu amyan an manam du kawsup ku du mata ku am nu mareklas mu muyin kan manguhat mu tachay u ichinakuhan ku. Angu chabu mud katangked ku? Angu asbangan mu jaken du malatyat nu viay ku? Ara ka paru masuyut kan manguhat du vayu a pinidi mu? Ichavakel muava yaken ta machihrayay du kadada nu araw am vayaten ku vayu ku viay a masuyut takan kamahep am imu u nguhat ku.

numb

today, i stopped crying. for I have cease to breath the air around me. the pain that I'm feeling can no longer be described. It's just there... or should I say, I'm just there somewhere in the dark cloud of misery that covered me. I may be gone and numb but I'll wait for the tears to flow again and give me reason to live all over again.

the price of being me

there are dark nights of my life that i want to drown in pain. I feel hopeless with no direction. Felt that big empty space ahead of me. I wish I have the reason to live, reason to breath and reason to exist. My tears are all dried out. I can't let them go, I know theirs no one to catch them. I'll be miserable and half dead. Why do I always ask what did I live for if i have no reason to. Forget being fair, never mind my worth 'cuz maybe I should have not been conceived if the only thing that's telling me I'm alive is the pain I'm enduring endlessly.

reason

take my heart, take my soul, take it with you. I don't have the reason to keep it anymore. God.... I hate having what I feel.... I wish I was stronger to kill this emotion rather than the other way around. It would be a sweet death if I stop breathing today.

just not good

One day…. I won’t bleed anymore… I won’t shed a tear… ill smile tenderly when you start to stab that knife in my heart repeatedly. I’ll be gone with peace knowing that you’ve kept your promise of being there till the end. I’ll take my walk thankfully that once… I loved you.

not too-happy halloween

as i silently endure pain... i love to listen to noise... or should i say loud music. i like to drown myself into my raw emotions. if only i can shut myself to the world.. all i need is air and my ipod. Ive been fighting hard against myself lately. i pretended I'm strong, put up a show and tell the world I'm OK. tried many resources to deny the possibility of facing that agonizing experience i had before. I run, I pretended, I said I'm OK. and most of all I was numb for too long enough for me to remember... Well, the hardest part for me after this endless numbness stage is facing the reality and going back to what happened. my shadow had been hunting me... asking me to take a better look at her. but i ask, why do I have to got back? why do I have to face the consequences alone when i was suppose to be the one moving on. why? so many questions to ask... I dunno. I have no idea if ill ever find the answer. the only thing I'm sure is... time my past by and everything may come and go but the pain will forever be there... silently waiting for me to come back and resurrect it.